Musings: The Anatomy of a Broken Heart

We all have been there. At some point in our lives someone will break our heart into tiny million pieces. That someone will leave a mark, a hole in our being and things will never be the same again. I wrote this post as a reminder to myself and to everyone who is going through a difficult time right now that it is only a phase. 

When you feel the pain is not going anywhere or it follows you like crazy, let me tell you this: it will pass and one day you will wake up as a better version of yourself. Your feelings may not evaporate all at once but later on that someone will not matter a lot anymore.

It is true that time will heal you. Meanwhile, let us study the anatomy of a broken heart. I am in no way a psychology or a counseling expert. Also, different folks means different strokes.

1. Denial

You will try to hold on and hope the problem can still be fixed. Despite the stress and trauma, you still want to continue the fight. I know no one wants to be alone. It is hard to break a routine with someone – a good morning and good night texts, late night conversations, TV series marathon on a weekend, spontaneous out-of-town/country trips and the list goes on. 

You will try to act and do things like how it usually is but you know deep inside something big has change and things will never go back to the way it was. Your relationship is spiraling down and you can’t stop it anymore.

2. Survival

You know it’s the end of the line. You hit rock bottom. It might be that both of you have agreed and reached a point that it is indeed over. There can be so many reasons and excuses thrown at you. You have given up because he/she is not worth it anymore. You got tired of the same and usual sh*t.

During this time no matter how hard, you get up and “try” to live. You go through each day like a zombie. You can’t wait for the day to be over so you can be left alone. Everything is in mute or monotone. Sometimes you are confined in your own world. Please do not linger for so long during this phase.

3. Acceptance

It has finally sunk in that your relationship is over. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, confuse and depress. Cry it all out and then cry some more. Shout and curse if you can’t help it. Have a heart to heart talk with your close friends. Do not be shy to shed tears in front of them.

Hey, it’s okay to cry every night or listen to the compilation of break up songs. Go ahead and eat that tub of ice cream or junk food if it will make you feel better even for a short time.

Go out and party like there’s no tomorrow. But be careful because this is the time that you are most vulnerable. Do not allow others to take advantage of you just because you are feeling lonely and sad. On the other hand, do not use someone as an escape or as a revenge.

4. Healing

This can be in so many ways depending on your coping mechanism. It can be writing how you are feeling at the moment in a journal. Let the pen be your voice and the paper your lending ears to the things you cannot express or tell to anyone.

Go deeper in your faith. I know praying can help us find solace and peace. Seek for more strength and guidance to face your decisions.

You can simply travel – on your own. Nothing irks me more than anything every time I hear these questions, “Why do you travel on your own? To find yourself? So did you find yourself?” We travel for many reasons. I may travel because I feel lost but it is not always about finding myself. In the end, traveling opens my eyes to look at things in a different perspective. Nothing is more inspiring when you find yourself in a new place. The eagerness to explore and learn is stronger than the sorrow in your heart. Once you get back to your room, you can’t help but laugh, cry and be amaze at your achievement no matter how little. It maybe from getting back to your accommodation in one piece or finally figuring out the train system or discovering a hidden spot referred by a friendly local.

Let me share one of my favorite quotes that is very applicable to healing: The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears or the sea – Isak Dinesen. One of my favorite authors, Elizabeth Gilbert shared a wonderful post on her Facebook page about this quote. When I’m troubled or brokenhearted, I always go to the beach. There is something about the sound of the waves and dipping my toes in the sand that is soothing to my soul and helps pacify my emotions. The touch of water consoles me and just like that I know everything will be okay.

5. Moving forward

It is not about starting from scratch because you may already have it in you what it takes to move forward. It is about taking action.There is probably something that you wanted to try or learn but never find the time to do so. Otherwise, go find a new hobby and interest. You will be surprised on how much you can do. Ignite your life to experience something new again!

Remember when I said it is hard to break a routine with someone. Now, it is up to you how you will replace or fill that space. The idea is to find an outlet or a distraction by being productive. Believe me it is not that hard.

I will not be a traveler if it wasn’t for the first guy who broke my heart. I will not be able start this blog if it wasn’t for the second guy who broke my heart.

6. Relapse

Just when you thought the road to recovery is smooth sailing, you encountered a road block. It is like when you are trying to quit a bad habit and you are having withdrawal symptoms. Out of nowhere the feeling of longings and emptiness stab you even before you can dodge. It will make you restless. 

Do not text or call him/her. Starting a communication is the last thing you want to do. Stalking him/her on social media will do you no good as well. It will only leave you anxious and over think matters. My advice is to stop then breathe. Stay calm and control yourself. If you slip, you may start from number 1 again. What’s worst is getting stuck in a never ending loop. Keep moving forward.

Final thoughts: Some people can easily find new love. Some are lucky to find love on the first time. Some has to wait a long time before finally finding love. Some will have their hearts broken over and over again and will leave a doubt if they will find love.

I say, nothing is more important than loving yourself first and for sure everything else will follow. They say love comes when you least expect it.